New Moon in Leo - Eclipses - #13Mantras and #kinkylove #recovery

Ok I wasted enough time looking for that one GD perfect picture that would complete this blog to my heart's content - but later...for that...I guess. This one will do tho - Durga (Maa) is a bad ass. She slays demons and upholds moral order. And rides a lion. I dig. Sometimes we are meant to not find the thing we want so we can find the thing we need. 

So here we are again, dear hearts. It's the midst of Leo season. Well, actually the very beginning - zero degrees to be exact, and for those of you who do not know that's basically the most important/powerful point that can be occupied by a season, planet, moment, etc.

Why is this significant? Well because after about 15 years of sitting at this laptop creating fabulous content but with little intent I have figured out there are really only two times I write/post - when I'm experiencing PMS or a Leo transit. Like this one, like this Leo transit, that also happens to include two complete eclipses. Praise Be. Praise Be I'm on this side of the world aka Japan and not that one aka America where the solar eclipse will literally pass over the entire country. No, I ain't trying to be that pagan about it - also another reason I ran to Japan. 

So here's what's happening - slavee has been sober nearly 9 months. The joy in my heart right now, the gratitude, the trepidation, the faith? Cannot be accurately expressed. My baby was barely 21 when I met him. In a few months he will be 30. I have watched him grow from a boy into a man, from a victim to a champion, from an addict to a human, from a friend, to my enemy and finally my husband. And I have watched myself as a Mistress, a friend and a wife do one very important thing - I have released all the codependent tendencies in my life. I am free of the need, once and for all, to please. Oh what, you thought all doms were selfish cunts? I wish, I wish that were true. It's more true that that paradigm is in reality turned on its head and good dominants are some of the most emotionally and mentally exploited folks in the scene. Yea, that. I could have continued my life, unexamined, and functioned well enough. But the trials and tribulations my husbands trauma and subsequent disease put us through gave me the painful opportunity to truly, deeply and madly look at my own self. And only after looking into the heart of the darkness was I able to find total and complete freedom from my own painful, addiction riddled past (my dad died from the disease). In short, my husband saved me from mediocrity. And to a dominant Goddess who values beauty, raw honesty and efficiency there is no greater gift.  

So continuing onward - my husband, my slave, my soulmate is alive. This was something I was not always able to take for granted. There were moments I witnessed death rapping at his door. There were moments I looked at him and said, "The disease is winning, if you want to live you must fight for your life." But he is alive, and he is sober and soon he will join me here, on the other side of the world. And besides riding his perfect cock until it is sore my first agenda is rope, rope and more rope. It has always been slavee's fantasy to experience predicament bondage. I thought I could bottom for rope but alas I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I attended a phenomenon rope dojo last month in Tokyo. I spent exactly 20 minutes in the ropes and a week later work in the middle of the night - every nerve on fire where every fiber of the rope had touched my skin. Thus I am cursed and slavee is blessed that I must relinquish any desire I might have to be inside the ropes (I kinda already knew this) and dedicate my focus to developing the skills of a badass fulltime rope top. 

So yes - Leo season. Last summer I wrote the first draft of my manuscript. That too was during a Leo season. I was alone, at the farm in West Virginia and I spent hours everyday doing it. I'm alone again, in Japan, alone for the first time in Japan. My kinky sidekick @kiarrith took a plane home last week after 5 fucking fabulous weeks together that we shared in my new life here.'s just moi. A few weeks ago, the manuscript started to creep back up on me. It was like a glowing energy growing slowly on the horizon. I know it's time to dive back into her again but GD I hate looking at my own work. It. Makes. Me. Feel. So. Uncomfortable. I'm also experimenting with total sobriety and a new workout routine so all of this adulting is just...adulting. I came to Japan to get serious, and boy have I. This former wake and bake babe hasn't hit the stuff in mooonths and I've never been really good at drinking or interested in much else (too scary, something called acid? are you fucking kidding me? no thanks). But I digress...

So here I am in Japan, being all serious, loving this new life even if I must love it differently than my former one. A time, a season, for everything. I like this new season. The thrills are different. So are the people. The subtly and nuance is enough to make one paranoid - or hyper successful. Today I look again at this manuscript - for the first time since I finished it last summer. I don't have children. My message to the world is my child. It's almost time to give birth and set her loose upon the world. Because what you don't need is another tell all, salacious memoir that exploits stigma for a paycheck. But what I can give you, my people, is the lessons I've learned from it aaalll. From being queer, from being a sex worker, from being a Goddess, from being a drag queen, from being a Dominatrix, from being a preacher's daughter, from marrying my slave, from from from from...

Wisdom. That is what makes the world worth going round. Well that and love. Money and sex may MAKE the world go round sure, but hey, that's not a bad thing either.

Hugs. Kisses. Miss Vee

Rapid Restraints - My first workshop in Japan! #Bondage #Tokyo #Sexed

Just wrapped up a 6 way - on skype, you dirty pervs - with the Kanto Area Kink counsel. They are kind enough to let me join them at the sampler workshop they are organizing this weekend in Tokyo. My portion of the event will include sensual bondage (scarves), verbal bondage (D/s) bondage with plastic/saran wrap and quick ties (rope bondage). I hope you can join us. Follow the links below to RSVP on Fetlife.

Kanto Area Kink Presents: Sampler Workshop

“ Come give it a try!”

I'm Going!maybe going | not going

Date & Time:in 2 daysSaturday, June 10, 2017 · 2:00 PM – 4:30 PM  


Our Space

#101 2-chome 1-1 Hatagaya, Shibuya-ku 151-0072   @ map

Cost:500 yen at the door.

Dress code:Casual to the door. You may change inside, but keep keep it street legal.


Have you ever felt like you've been interested in something for a while, and you just needed to get a chance to try it? Here's your chance! We've been talking about it for a while, and Kanto Area Kink is ready to set off our very first Sampler event! Come join us at Our Space for a few hours of education and sampling, provided by a panel of local experts in a safe environment. Here is a list of activities that we came up with, and have been requested by the Community:

-Impact play
-Electrostim play
-Negotiation Skills
-D/s Protocol
-Breath Play
-Burlesque Seduction/Lap Dance
-Wax Play
-Rapid Restraint (quick ties with simple bonds/verbal cues)
-Tantric Kink/Energy Practices
With the possibility of adding more as we get closer!

What can you expect? All these events are available for people to try from either a bottoming or Topping perspective...our presenters are prepared and happy to instruct as well as provide examples! Depending on how many people show, and the popularity/intricacies of each event, each individual session will probably last ten to thirty minutes, depending on the Presenter...this is purely so we can make sure everyone gets a chance to have a go at all the activities they are interested in, and depending on the flow of the evening, it could be possible for more!

As a side note, this event does fall on the same date as the illustrious Torture Garden, but as this is an afternoon event, there is plenty of time for both!

-No photography.
-No Alcohol
-Presenters have the right to deny a scene for any reason, primarily safety.
-No play outside stations.
-Presenters and other event managers are the final authority on all matters of safety.

Here is a handy map to the location!

If anyone has any questions, or wishes to volunteer as a Presenter for an activity they feel qualified in, please post in the related post in the KAK forums:…

Writing on Writing and Why I Love Zora Neale Hurston

Chapter 1

Paragraph 1

The sky was yellow. The wind was strong. The sand storm tore at the face masks of the passengers. They clamored across the tarmac, climbed the staircase and disappeared. Inside she sat down, two stones in her pockets. In the right pocket she carried a smooth grey pebble with the word, “Hope,” carved into the surface. In her left pocket was a white crystal, plucked from the mountains near her home. Around her neck hung a piece of amber surrounded by silver in the shape of a tree, bent by the wind. Wound about one of her hands was a piece of hair, dark kinky hair she once twisted into a loch, many years before. Finally she reached into her purse and pulled out a cartoonish figurine in the shape of a moose, a tiny red scarf wrapped around it’s neck, and placed it on the empty seat next to her. Then the pre-boarding announcements began, first in Chinese, then in English. Next stop Tokyo.


I have no right to invoke her name. She is Zora Neale Hurston and her book changed my life.

It wasn’t the story per se, although that was magnificent, but the structure that struck me. A woman not much older than I am now returned to the front porch, wrapped herself in a shawl like the nets of the sea, and told her story.

My undergraduate degree is in English. I studied a lot of literature. I loved it. My professor described this style of narrative like bookends, a framework that completes a story by giving it the boundaries, the shape it needs. I never forgot that. I knew someday my story would fit into that frame.

So here I am, in Japan, and I’ve finally found my second bookend. I’m about to sit down on the porch and tell you a story. My story, taken with liberties. Taken from real life but produced in a way that is more true to the form than the art. As an english major, I’m a story slut. I tell you this now, that when it comes to this project I will be more concerned with the quality of the story telling than the details. My goal is to convey the truths of my journey, not the details of my life. It also makes me feel safe to cling to story rather than life. And I’m also sick to death of all the tell-all tales out there from fly by night ‘pros’ that take advantage of the misunderstanding of my craft in exchange for a dollar and that encourage the mainstream to continue to stigmatize my craft.

I’m also more than a Dominatrix. And frankly, as I get more in touch with my heart and the reality of my vulnerability (and courage) I find that much more interesting. It will all be there though, don’t worry, because it is all part of my journey and I loved every second I spend in a dungeon. Every second. So I will share, I want to share. I want to share aaalll of me with you. I hope that the revelation of my own complex, multidimensional self and sexuality will help you appreciate more your own amazing universe.

And they say the first page/paragraph of a book determines whether someone will want to read the book.

So here goes, two weeks after the journey completed and I escaped to Japan, this is what I’s not much. But it’s a start.


American #Dominatrix in #Tokyo

Something’s got to give…

Bub (my brother): Sis remember when 9/11 happened and you were in DC and Mom and Mike threatened to drive out from Montana and pack you up and move you back home?

Me: Yea…

Bub: Well now it’s about to be World War 3 and you’re headed right back into the middle of it again. What’s up with that?

Me: Well, Bro...war is part of life. And next time it happens it’s going to happen everywhere. So if it’s going to happen, this time when it happens, I want to be in a country with no guns, no opiod epidemic and no race wars.

Bub: …


Remember that story line in Friends, where Ross gets someone else pregnant. Rachel is really upset when she finds out because she told Ross they were just on a break. But Ross thinks they were broken up?

Yeah, well in that scenario I’m Rachel and my country and my family are Ross. They think I’ve left them for good. But really we’re just on a break. Yep I ex-pat’ed the fuck outta my life and country and loves. Now as long as the USA doesn’t knock somebody else up while I’m in Japan we should be okay.

Ten years ago was my last sabbatical. In the past ten years since that trip back home to Montana I have taken only one trip that wasn’t to see clients. That was last December when my Mom took me to Mexico. A country with a culture that is warm, heart-felt and full of humor. That trip definitely sparked something in me. Or more accurately it reignited something inside of me - a desire to experience life beyond the American borders.

My reasons for coming to Japan are many, not just one. And those reasons are layered. They run into one another. Was it my traumatic marriage to my slave who is still in treatment for addiction? Sure that was part of it. He’s doing better but I still needed to be somewhere he couldn’t get to me without my consent because it seems every time he’s done that in the past decade he manages to melt down my world in a matter of days and I have to start all over again.

Is it the ignorant and racist attitudes of my dearest loved family members that have come to light since the recent election? Yea, that’s definitely part of it too.

Is it my need for adventure? My desire to travel? My desperate want for a respite from the scene? The pro life? The impact of the drug epidemic on my personal life? The lack of a living wage? The fucking hateful rhetoric of my country at the moment? The free bed in a warm home waiting for me in Tokyo? Yes, yes and yes.

So that’s why I left. But why did I choose to go to Japan? Why not South America, or Europe where as one friend said, “They know how to enjoy life.” Because I’ve spent the past decade plus “enjoying” life. I’ve lived. I've liiived. If I wanted it, I’ve had it. If I want to do it, I’ve done it. My life has not been short on experience and my memory is full of moments that I will cherish forever. But there’s more to life than that…

And that is where my self identity and this Japanese culture intersect:

I value ritual. They have it in spades in this country.

I value manners. Respect is the name of the game in this country.

I love discipline. Yep they have that too.

I value kink. PLENTY of that here.

I value peace. As a survivor of multiple sexual assaults (all prior to becoming a pro and part of my vanilla life not my kink life) I can walk down the street here at 2 am more than a little tipsy and not have to look over my shoulder constantly or clutch my keys in fear or worry about what is hiding behind every shadow. You have no idea how valuable that is to a survivor of sexual assault and domestic abuse. Basically by making the choice to move myself halfway around the world I eliminated the vast majority of my triggers and for that reason I now spend my days in peace. Priceless.

I am healing. I am the adult child of an alcoholic who is finally getting on top of her issues. It's been a long, hard fought, barely begun to be won battle. But I am still standing. And at this point I feel I deserve some GD rewards for my efforts thus far. So I decided to put myself first and to go out and get them. I gave myself a pass. That pass came in the form of a plane ticket. A very expensive plane ticket. To a very different place, very far away from home. So. Be. It.

I am here, in Japan, to heal. I am also here to take some bad ass rope bondage classes and get my kink on on the international level. Torture Garden of London fame is hosting a fetish ball in Tokyo in a few weeks. OMG I cannot wait. 

This country I’ve chosen isn’t perfect. No place is, but for now Japan offers me the ritual, discipline, spiritual sanctity, financial security, physical safety and professional opportunities that I can’t find in my own country, especially at this moment in history. Yes, I feel safer here, practically within spitting distance of North Korea and it's nukes, than I did walking down the street at night in my own country. As a solitary soul and an independent woman I spent many nights in fear, because I was alone - as Goddess intended - but I was alone in a country full of dangers for a woman like myself. 

I am an introvert. I now gleefully spend my days walking silently through the tiny streets of my Tokyo neighborhood. I use google translate to communicate. I bow a lot. I make eye contact with people, something I never did back home. I smile at strangers. It feels so good. 

The food is fresh as fuck. The people are gentle. The fashion is on point. The aesthetic is dynamite. And they love a tall blonde gaijin. There’s even Starbucks so I can still get my fix.

I just had to do it. I couldn’t wait one more moment. The more loved ones I lost to over dose the more I began to realize just how short life really is. And how precious. And how fragile. I’ve spent my entire life in service to other’s needs. It's called being a codependent. It was time to put myself first. I bet that’s a secret you didn’t know about being the best - the best dominants out there are in it for someone else. Almost always.

For me it was beyond being merely a ‘service top.’ I was and still am and always will be in service to my destiny, to the fates. Most days I wouldn’t choose this life. I hate being marginalized, misrepresented, judged and commodified by family, friends, lovers and the media whether it's because I'm kinky, a woman, a blonde, a queer or a sex worker. Most days I just crave a normal existence, even though I know the concept of normal is an illusion, really. But what I did need and could get that Japan gives me is a sense of peace, an advanced aesthetic and a sophisticated society.

America - you’re mean. There - I said it. And that’s coming from a Dominatrix. It’s my job to be mean and I still just can’t with you anymore. Not right now. So I quit. We're on a break. It's a symptom of a larger problem sure, most of which is my responsibility but nonetheless I choose to quit making myself available to any place or person who can’t or won’t appreciate me for me. After all, I’m just a girl. A girl with a whip. A woman who deserves love. A human. Being.

I don’t know when (or if) I’ll be back. My relationship with my new country is very new and like most new relationships I’m probably heady on all kinds of new relationship energy (NRE, go google it if you don’t know what that means). Once the dust settles, I’ll decide what my next move is. One step at a time, right? But one thing is for sure - I’m done with countries, men, communities and clients that may tolerate hate, anger and poor taste. Life is too short for anything less than beauty and love.

May you find what you are looking for. I know I have. Thank you Japan and thank you America. Maybe someday we will meet again.

Good bye for now. Love, Me


Part 2 - toy sale! #bondage #boots #crossdressing retro lingerie

This is it! The final lot! Mistress is definitely interested in offers for the whole thing, part 1 and 2. I am not pricing these items because I prefer you to tell me what you can afford. I want these fabulous pieces to go to homes that will value and enjoy them.  So dive right in - make an offer! Email 


Homme Mystere is lingerie designed for the male body. It is flattering, sexy and feminine. One of a kind and wonderful to wear! I adore this brand.  



Spareparts Hardwear Sasha - ruching, garters, size medium. The best harness I've ever owned but the slave/husband hates anal so it needs to go to a good home where it will be appreciated. Machine washable, super secure fit/ride - no gapping during your hottest moments, just up close and personal play. Fits most (all but the most huge) dildos. I adore this thing but not using it makes me sad so it's got to go!



Gorgeous satin crystal studded steel boned corset with garters. This thing is the real deal. Size small. 



Luxury brand Lelo silk blindfold definitely the most expensive blindfold I've ever bought lol retails for $70 I know redic - but oh so lovely and secure - elastic band at the back keeps it in place then tie the two ends for sexy flair  



Satin French style balconnete bra - think sexy nip slip size 34C 



You know what this is - haha size medium #schoolgirlskirt


Hand dyed size 34C full figure retro lingerie  

Hand dyed size 34C full figure retro lingerie  


Rago size medium one full skirt one half skirt 6 garters each full figure retro lingerie  



Full slip retro full figure lingerie 4 garters size small  



Scarves for #bondage my absolute fav style of bondage #sensualdomination



Boots!!! thigh high 3 pairs all size 8.5 one plain one with metal laces in the front the other with metal laces in the back so fun to wear!



 #leather #bondage #hood this fucker is no joke total #blackout multiple straps #sensorydeprivation 



bedazzle yer bewbies both size 36B 



This looks sooo good on, always so many compliments 3/4 sleeve size medium  



Anjou anal plug medium stainless steel boil ten minutes to sanitize put in the freezer for thermal play fabulous toy high quality brand love this piece but got a new one



Random bondage gear (tape) and some knives and nipple clamps and oh - some zip ties too 


Violet wand (you knew that right?) works perfectly, missing one attachement - the other 3 are there (as you can see)  

Toy sale! #bondage gear, impact play

Doing a little spring cleaning. See pics below. Email your offer to  


Delightful Dragon tongue/tail, the perfect snap, light weight handle, leaves marks that last for daaays ~evil snicker


Three tongue leather whip. Beautiful and versatile. Like new  


Fabulous heavy braided handle. Two different patterns. I think the design of this toy is a little experimental. Honestly I enjoy using the long thuddy handle for impact more than the short tails for whipping although they are great for light sensation work with sensitive sensual or novice bottoms  


Elk hide, 20 strands. Used to be my favorite until some ass hat at a party stole the matching flogger. I only flog in pairs lol so this has to go. nice light to medium play but still capable of leaving marks and good for female or small stature players who like to flog all night without getting fatigued by heavy toys.


HEAVY flogger. 20 braided strands w tassels. I believe it's deerskin.  


Leather by Danny. Love that guy. Lifetime warranty on all his stuff.  


New. Stiff. Needs breaking in. The shape allows for scratching and tickling as well as slapping.  


Silicone heart shaped crop "not for beginners" was slavee's comments after receiving a few whacks. It's small but capable of delivering intense sensation that is both thuddy and stingy - the hallmark of the recent silicone slippers hitting the market.


Medium lined leather wrist cuffs. Sturdy and comfortable. Great for play or wearing all day.  


Unlined leather ankle cuffs - medium. Gonna miss these. First pair I ever bought. Basic but hold a great deal of sentimental value. Enjoy!  


Your basic leather dog leash. 8 ft. Snap is heavy solid brass.  


Acrylic paddle with holes. I hate these things they're so damn loud lol  


This.Is.SO SEXY. but the matching garter broke so I'm selling it. Fantastic for a female slave or dominant or even a petite male submissive.  

meditation report #mentalmasturbation


Meditation progress report. Made it twenty minutes, twice today. That makes four times in three days.

Last Friday night I lit a fire and got some sage advice re #yoga. Every year I save my Christmas boughs, because them bitches go up like a flame thrower. Light a match, stand back, feel the rush of heat as it splashes your cold cheek.

Because we were near a new moon I knew the stars would be out. It made for good watching. My friend, we’ll call him John, is a meditation teacher, and a real hard ass. When I started whining to him fireside over glasses of wine how everyone I knew meditated except me and I didn’t know why he laughed. The kind of knowing laugh that comes before a ball busting.

"If you knew what meditation was,” he said, “you’d be doing it all the time.”

I wish I would have recorded what he said next but basically he alikened it to mastrubation for the mind and said it was a great yet simple thing, simple it what it accomplishes, effective over time, not an antidote, but a lifestyle. Something that has immediate and long range return, if you’re interested in consistent dividends/practice and realistic yet intentional results.

He called it his safe place, and this man is 6’4” and a former marine. What he meant by safe was “untouchable.” He’s out of reach when he’s down there he said. That sounds terrible to me, like drowning. But knowing him, he’s probably right.

I’ve tried sitting alone, sitting in silence and listening to relaxing music. My genre is anything with “spa” in the search terms.

I have no idea which I prefer. I remember to breath. Most of the time. If I make it the full 20mins I morph into my own personal hero.

All I had this morning to focus on was, “let the love win,” and “stay in your heart place.”

By this evening we had graduated to “Let the love win,” and “Gratitude.”

Just that. Back and forth between those two, me sighing and trying to focus while the dog whimpered because I was ignoring her and I tried to ignore myself ignoring myself. I’m an introvert by nature anyway so I’m not sure maybe that is part of my struggle. I spend so much time alone already. By design.

I did note this- after a few times the meditation created a space inside I was able to return to easier the next time around. It seemed productive. I don’t mind props. Props need a stage I suppose. I am building my stage. It’s like second life for the soul. So far my stage is a little dusty and kinda bare. There’s lots of work to do.   

Lots of opportunity to change what I see.



One Charlie ... 


two Charlie ... 

#Honesty #clocks #science between eclipses the veil is thin

I'm reading a book right now that is inspirational in its fearless approach to personal truth. I'll tweet a link later. I selected to post this blog in part because the content is unapologetically female. As the resistance continues I'm not out in the streets, but I am out more online, and determined to be my authentic self. My intent with blogging more is to provide something of value. Hopefully if you read my blog regularly you'll be able to experience a feeling of satisfaction more regularly. At the very least I hope you're entertained. I hope my writing doesn't suck and I strike the balance between the optimal amount of exposure and too much of a good things. Less is more because you already have everything you need. If the wizard of Oz went kinky I'd be Glenda - intent on showing Dorothy she had it all along.


and that's the intro. I wrote the following yesterday. Right now I'm sitting in the salon having my undercut painted Fuscia and practicing blogging w the cloud. I haven't left the house in two days. Feels good to be out again, for a bit.  


The sun is warm on my back as I write this. The stars said sit down. All the way down. I'm seeking a sitting position that won’t break my wrists. They’re starting to give me problems from all this blogging. The boys been telling me for years to dictate. I had scrambled eggs for breakfast. I think too much.


Ticking clocks.


When I was 27 it was a pink florescent signing hangin in a cheap hotel window. It blinked. It said one word in slanted cursive script - “BABY...BABY...BABY…”


The base of the head, where it meets the neck. That’s where this sign sat. At the spot where the lizard brain remains. It was like a ticking clock, a constant reminder that my body wanted a baby. Posted up on the most primal part of me. But my head knew better. Some nights my body won. We all lost.


Now the clock is different. This time it works in my favor. When you’ve done the work of becoming yourself that one thing remains - try again. Oh I’ve tried. It was just never the time the person or the place I guess. Well it’s none of those things right now either, but for once I care about my circunstances more, because biology trumps all. You can't argue with science or you will loose. That's why it's called science. Ticking clock.



I have years to become a mother, but only a few more if I want to give birth. I have no idea about the weights of that scale I just know it took this long for me to even think about it.


My Dad would have called it “hippy dippy” shit. What I call love. I turned some corner in the past year, I did it through some conventional and some unconventional methods and it didn't happen all at once it took forever. This isn’t a big deal except to say that for the rest of my life I want to be about the love. I want to experience as much and as many types of love as one possibly can. Kinky love, vanilla love, plutonic love, poly love, monogamous love, community love, tribal love, family love, love for the earth. I hear that loving your child is at the top of this infinite list. So I want that love too because I've learned love isn't perfect but I'd rather live with it than without it. 


This is how I fight the resistance. But by love. Instead of pushing away those who are different, I draw them closer to me because we are all in this together.


I don’t have any idea what you kids want in return for this blog, because you give me zero feedback. I started checking my analytics. I see you. Use your voice. What do you want to know? About yourself, of course. What’s your fantasy? I can show you how to make it happen.


Post your questions here. Or email 


Let the love win. #13Mantras

How to Set the Stage for #anal

Set the stage for anal.

Over NYE w @LivingSexyDC I taught two seminars. During the second seminar, which was more vanilla than kink if you had to draw a line, I mentioned my best rec for anal - place and time.

You’re lover is not a porn star. She ain’t getting paid. It takes a whole day for a Goddess just to pull off a vanilla date. Anal is EXTRA. And we all have our extra. What does Dan Savage say? Good giving and game. Be that. So here’s how you  make it happen - set the stage.

A woman who know’s what she’s doing, and face it, that’s the kind of woman a submissive man wants, will require an entire other bag of goodies just to be able to maintain. Women receiving anal have a whole other host of details to manage.

And for both men and women anal is different than vaginal sex because:

  1. Different lubes work better, typically silicone is preferred for anal because it last for a long time. But it gets everywhere. Why? Because it last forever. You have to figure out what’s right for you.

  2. It’s (sometimes) dirty. It’s nothing a parent who’s changed a diaper can’t handle, let’s be real. But if you want it that bad, either the giving or the receiving or both, you have to pay the price to ride. This may be the price. It just as likely that things will be just fine. Either way bring wipes and if you can rent a room. Have a shower RIGHT there and use it, often. Bring robes. OMG always a robe at the hotel. And a night gown that doubles as a dress so you can make ice runs in a cute pair of slippers because #hydration.

  3. It takes time. Don’t go jamming it in there. I don’t care what they say, no one you’re going to play with is going to want you to just jam it up there. That’s a pro move and a lot like the show Jackass, don’t try this at home ok? Don’t be stupid. Take it slow. If you’re that damn excited gentlemen, wear a cock ring. It will make your dick stiffer and that’s kinda required especially for anal because it’s kinda tight, right? It will also help you relax.

  4. If you want to use toys use condoms on them or throw them away once you're done. If you want to reuse your anal toys get silicone or stainless steel. The materials are body safe, and easy to sanitize. Throw the steel in boiling water for ten minutes. Don’t use it, idiot. Let it cool. Put it in the freezer for thermal play later. Whatever. Don’t burn yourself. And the silicone can go in the dishwasher apparently? I don’t make this shit up. I’ve done it. A few times. At someone else’s place. 

Still use condoms. Always use condoms. You’ll thank me later. Just sayin…

And oh fuck yea- one more thing. Really important. Don’t douche. Don’t douche it. That’s a mess takes hours to wrap it up completely. It’s literally like fucking swamp ass. Men should shave. Women do what you want, and he’ll love it.

Disclaimer: These are my personal opinions. If you decide to actually try some of this that's your choice. And I applaud you for giving it a try. In the past, what I have recommended has often worked out for people. At least those that choose to get back to me. And based on that decade of layperson's teaching and research, I think I have something to say.  


the After #draft #care #Beforeandafter

Ok so I started the Vday with my first ever instagram video. Wth. This is all new to me.


Let’s be honest, I barely have the time to show you what’s going on and to make what’s going on go on. All at the same time. It’s rediculous. Who does this? I did it. Because #valentinesday


One of my mantras is let the love win. And that’s what this holiday is all about. That and kink, apparently, these days.


This year I honestly felt like having a kinky play date was the most vanilla thing I’ve ever done on this hallmark holiday. It feels like everyone is going to kink out this valentine’s thanks to yet another 50 Shades movie. My life is a live action cliche reflected back at me from the media. But this is not a mirror and ethical players have a lot problems with the images being projected onto us.  Kinky isn’t cool anymore. It’s crazy. At this point 50Shades is just a thriller with some kinky sex thrown in.


Kink is dead. Like the phoenix, we’ll rise. The feminist movement has been in it’s third wave for well over a decade. Kinksters are experiencing the arrival of the second generation of players, a second wave of hobbiest, life stylers and full timers who are more likely than ever to also identify as queer, POC, transgendered, or sex worker because WE ARE ALL SEXUAL MINORITIES.  

Kink is dead. It’s mainstream now, in a terrible kind of way that is part turn on but zero part tutorial. These stories are purely fiction, the work of the author’s mind, not her life. Whether it’s a novel, a character on on television show (usually some detective bit) or an entire movie it’s FICTION.


Yet, It’s not enough to read about it, you want to do it.


The two questions I always get asked about 50 Shades is “ok now what” and “why did this turn me on so much.” Maybe you find yourself somewhere on that spectrum. Well the doing of it looks much like life as you know it now but with more gear and a little less free time. For some it’s a hobby. For others it’s a way of life. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. It’s not the kind of thing you can turn back from. It requires it’s own coming out story. Being out about being kinky is good for ratings but a huge risk for actual kinksters. I’ve met players who feel they have lost jobs, homes and children because they were vulnerable enough to be honest with coworkers, landlords and family.


I struggle with it everyday. A part of me want’s so badly to be ‘normal’ but the closest I can come to that is surrounding myself with bad ass vanilla women. Because anywhere else? It just doesn’t make sense. I think I’m doing just fine and the next moment I’ve crossed some imaginary line. That just doesn’t suit my disposition. I like a party, not drama. But I made the choice to be out when I was young. At the time it was the best way to disarm the enemy. Many of whom were members of my own community #friendlyfire


But this is about letting the love win. So let me tell you about my favorite part about the sexy NYE event we do each year - watching regular people fuck. And by regular I mean yes you’re camp of gym bunnies and their walking cocks (so hot) but mostly just normal people who are thoughtful about their appearance and horny/proud/confident enough to walk around naked with a bunch of strangers. It’s so much better than any porno I’ve ever watched. Because it’s actually real, real.


Phew, yea. It’s that good. I don’t participate, hello control freak, but I love to watch. Mostly I like to listen. The dungeon is always in its own room, naturally, so I don’t see a lot of it. I just listen. And honestly even in the dungeon it’s so damn crowded after a few good scenes I’m just basically a glorified dungeon monitor the rest of the night. And glorious it is. Every year.


So my new glasses arrived. It’s a whole new world. It’s dirty and I need to pick up some eye cream. And maybe a silk pillowcase and an eye mask because fuck this. I do steam baths every night with essential oils because I think the number one contributor to aging is drying. This is true within and without. Meaning I should drink A LOT more water than I do.

New Year New Life (and blowjob tips)

Hey kids! Domina here. It's been just about two weeks since another fantastic #LivingSexy event and I wanted to put up a quick post to let you all know I am thinking about you and still reveling in the sensual memory of it all. It was my fifth NYE with and my 7th??? event with them...and honestly, I think it was the sexiest event yet. The couples that attend are so open, flirty, sexy and funfunfun! I loved meeting everyone at our two seminars, discussing the ABCs of BDSM and the best tips for oral. Class participation is one of my favorite parts of teaching and trust me when I say this class really participates! It's one of the few places I teach a class about 'blowjobs' where men and women share the space. It makes for some very interesting dynamics for sure. When I brought this up a male attendee was compelled to ask, "What would you say to the women if we were not present." Good question. I took a few steps back, but my head down, rested my hand on my chin then it came to me in a flash (there's a lot of good info up there folks) and I said, "I would tell them to make sure your man knows you WANT to do what you're doing."

We all know (I hope) the discrimination and sexual shaming that women experience from a very young age. But men are fed similar lies, often around the shaming women receive, and the result is a verty unsatisfying mixed bag of bullshit that prevents pleasure and stymies connection. So therefore, yea, a lot of men are taught women don't like to give oral. And if you're a women who is already nervous about pleasing your male partner, trying to please someone who thinks you're not enjoying it makes it hard to give, because he's not able to receive. So yea, ladies, grab that cock like you mean it and let him have it lol

Wow, this quick up date has turned into another lesson on blowjobs, but that's always the most popular class because why? well, among other things - basics, basics, basics. fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. In life, in art and definitely in love.

Speaking of love, if you follow me at then you know that slavee paid Mistress a surprise visit this week, appearing out of the darkness like some mysterious dream figure. But it was him, not a ghost. MIA since exiting rehab a week prior and still, thank the Goddesses, stone sober. Living with a loved one who lives with addiction or mental health struggles is a part of my GD daily life. It is my ownership of him that gives me the courage and strength we need everyday to push through, and the faith and hope to believe that healing is possible and we WILL make it together. Between that dream and reality lies a minefield of bureaucratic and family bullshit. But I'm a warrior goddess and I fight for love, my love, my slave. I know he wears my collar and technically I own him but my love and my energy belong to him and his needs because he's just that god damn special. If you ever meet him, you'll know what I mean the moment you see us standing next to one another, because I've heard it so many times from casual observers. What we share is special and has been in the works for nearly a decade. It is the real thing, #kinkylove. Without that "kink" part we would have no "love". I don't know how vanilla families living with similar struggles do it, I just know that I'm grateful I love him the way I do so I have the dedication necessary to draw the boundaries he needs, enforce them as best we can and continue the up hill battle to find proper medical care in a system that is overwhelming, inadequate and expensive. If you know someone who lives with the disease of addiction or is a survivor you are the reason I speak out. Because so often the families suffer right along with the loved one, but all resources are dedicated to the one in recovery. Often I feel forgotten by the available healthcare even though I'm the person closest to him. So if you're in a similar position, I don't want you to feel forgotten. I want you to know I'm there with you, battling and building one day at a time for a better future for our loved ones and our families. 

Shit, another layer revealed. I've hinted before about our lives, but really 2017 is about getting real. I'm done hiding. If you love, love all. There is no other way. 

And book. yes BOOK. it's happening. the proposal, the drafts, the read through with amazing friends. I can't WAIT to launch this chapter in our lives. I love you all. Goddess I do! thank you for all the support and memories we've shared over the years. Mistress looks forward to many more. Hugs.

The ABCs of BDSM - Sinn-ergy Seminar


CONTACT/FOLLOW-UP Mistress is always available to answer questions for Sinn-ergy members. My email is or follow me on Twitter @dominavontana or on Instagram domina_vontanadc.

SHOUT OUT Thank you so much for joining us for NYE with at Sinn-ery, A Red Carpet Affair. This is my fifth year at this event. It has been a great source of professional growth and personal pleasure. I look forward to returning every year and want to thank the organizers and their amazing team of dedicated fantasy creators that make this event a reality.


The intention of the ABCs OF BDSM is to equip you to successfully negotiate your first scene. In order to get what you want you must know how to ask for what you want. BDSM is an 'umbrella term' so it includes many different styles and types of activities under one acronym but it is not inclusive. In general, the language used in BDSM would be considered taboo, strong or offensive in most vanilla setting so it's important to remember this when first encountering the highly specialized use of language in BDSM.

B - bondage, bottom

D - Dominant, Dominatrix, dominance, discipline

S - Sadist, submissive, slave, switch, sadomasochist

M - Master, Mistress, masochist

Power Exchange – the type of play where the giver accepts responsibility for the receiver and as a result the giver acquires the receiving player’s power and the receiver is able to experience a feeling of powerlessness  

Top – a giver in the type of scene that involves play but not power exchange

Scene - the kinky event, where to or more people come together to play

Play - the exchange between two players

Players - two or more people who share a scene


“You will not get what you deserve, you will get what you negotiate” – unknown

“You learn more about a person in an hour of play, than in a year of conversation” – Plato ??

All players involved should give consent*. The * in consent if for ENTHUSIASTIC. All players involved should give ENTHUSIASTIC consent. This includes Tops and Dominants.

A negotiation can last a few minutes or a few months depending on the situation, location of the players, availability of play spaces and the complexities of the desired scene.

Anticipation is an important and satisfying part of the negotiation process. The negotiation process, whether in person or online or both, is intended to give both players the opportunity to share information like safewords, hard limits, previous experience and desired outcome.


Safeword – a predetermined word or phrase that may be spoken by the player to stop the play or take a break to discuss the direction the scene is going

Vanilla – any type of sexual activity that is NOT considered alternative, the kind of sex that everyone likes, because everyone likes vanilla ice cream

Slut – a word used to describe someone who really enjoys an activity, ie bondage slut

Goddess – a female or female identified player who enjoys worship, the sensual arts and service

Domina – a word used interchangeably with Mistress or Dominatrix, historically Domina was a title awarded to a woman of common background who through her own efforts acquired land and an education

Ritual and Protocol – structured performances and procudures guided by the Dominant’s wishes and preferences that are intended to bond players through clear expectations and repetition



Service – domestic duties, ritual, and body worship

Sensation – candles, electric, fur, fire, needles, leather, latex, deprivation

Sensual – typically a softer, often more romantic style of play that foregoes pain as part of the scene, a type of sensation play

Objectification – when the giver in a scene strips the receiver of their humanity and regards them as an object or animal rather than a human being

Impact – spanking, flogging

Cathartic – a scene where the receiver experiences an endorphin dump that results in an altered state of mind often resulting in the ability to release stubborn emotions

Direct sexual – a scene or exchange that includes direct sexual contact such as anal, oral or vaginal penetration

Announcing the next two Mantras #13mantras

Ok Kids, new week, new blog.

I’ve been kicking it in the Carolina’s because the weather has been puuurrrfect, but now it’s time to head home.

In case you’ve been wondering what’s up with my new project, the next set of mantras is forthcoming, in the final stages. My only hiccup has been locating reliable filming equipment. I believe there is a public access program somewhere with enough chops to support this project. And hail to them when this hits.

But the manuscript is done and ready to go and drumroll please…the next two mantras (a couple of my favorites) aaare…Negotiation and Adventure…let me break it down for you…

Negotiation is what comes first, before the play. Negotiation can be as simple as you like but I prefer a lengthy negotiation because I love to watch a submissive squirm. So your mantra for November is:

“You learn more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” Will go more in depth with this with the manuscript later this month and vids that will only be available on my exclusive site. Some give credit to Plato for this quote, you can search Goggle and decide for yourself. I'm rolling with it because it's hopefully not the first time any of us have heard this little ditty, but it certainly won't be the last. And I love to play! so Mistress is excited to share this mantra with you next because the better the negotiation the better the play. 

The mantra for December is: Adventure Mode! This is the only mantra that gets double capitalization and an exclamation point because it is after all – Adventure Mode! And for December I will be taking you with me to Mexico (because I will have located a damn camera by then) and I will be there along with my Mother, or as she likes to call herself “Mommee Dommee, aka Mom of the Dom.” If there’s any question you’ve ever had about me, meeting my mother in Mexico will surely answer some of them. She has no idea it’s coming by the way. I’m gonna spring it on her guerilla-art-style because the last thing you want to do is give my Mom a chance to think about anything that makes her anxious. That’s a nono. Plus I know she'll love it. 

In addition to copies of my never before seen manuscript, informative videos and bonus content, I'll also be taking your questions! By the end of the year I will have a complete package available for the first three mantras - October (first times a dry run), November (you learn more in an hour of play than a year of conversation) and December (Adventure Mode!), along with a way to submit your question.

Until the end of the year every subscriber gets one free question up to 1,000 questions. That may sound like a lot but Mistress loves answering your questions! Again, this is about you and opening up your journey into greater self-discovery and satisfaction. 

The project is off to a great start and behind the scenes I’m hitting my groove with all this nonsense and will have items available to you the week before Thanksgiving. Because the week after thanks giving we’re off to Mexico! And we come back in December to discuss adventure mode and host the 7th annual @LivingSexy #NYE party. Mistress will be in attendance all weekend. Get your tickets, here



Upcoming Appearances - When and Where to learn, serve and play

Halloween - 2nd Annual Witches Ball and Brew Ha Ha, for those of you on Fetlife you can RSVP here -Wonderland- is the host and the venue includes outdoor play areas (oh hell yea bring on the sensual night sky while I strike you) and a Dexter Room (this heavy medical slut is about to make some human pin cushion very happy).


November 10 - John Hopkins University, Human Sexuality and Gender, Guest Lecturer. I will be accepting sessions in DC from Nov 8-13. Please email for availability.


December 30-31 - Another amazing #LivingSexy event is about to happen. This is my favorite event every year filled with sexy, passionate couples. I will be teaching a BDSM 101 seminar Saturday afternoon. Visit for more info. Total hotel take over. 500+ couples. Formal NYE party followed by an after party that you will never forget, and I’ll be there once again with my team to host the dungeon. Wanted to try something? This is your night to do it...Mistress will be waiting.


And if you have not yet check out my latest project, 13 Mantras, do so NOW! It’s a multimedia journey through the dungeon

Pleasure V Desire - The Erotic Crucible of Intent

Pleasure and desire are not the same thing. Plenty of people desire something that is no good for them. The difference with BDSM is that we combine the two – pleasure and desire – and the result is actually something good for you. Kinky individuals often endure undesirable scenarios for the perceived pleasurable outcome. In this way BDSM is akin to exercise. Sometimes the pleasurable reward at the end is an orgasm, but more often than not the most precious consequence is a fresh memory that will result in many more orgasms later on.

Orgasms are after all a physical phenom and by experiencing the real thing, the cycle is supplemented. Bonus – endorphins. The endorphin dump occurs during or immediately following the undesired experience, for example a spanking severe enough to be uncomfortable. A real time physical experience of a frequent fantasy serves to reinforce the capacity of the mind to keep the scene alive and fresh enough to elicit the common response – an orgasm either alone or while with a partner. Yes, your partner fantasizes about other people during sex and so do you.

So the reason BDSM is all about fantasy is not because it’s not real sometimes. It’s all about fantasy because at its core even the smallest experience with BDSM seems to result in memories that are longer lasting and more powerful than the average sexual occurrence. Or at least that’s my conclusion after talking to 1,000 of people about their sex lives. Strong memories serve to fuel the erotic imagination long after the scene has ended and the toys are put away.

Those on the outside often confuse desire and pleasure and conclude that kinky people are somehow different, or more dangerous than themselves. The truth is kinky people are just better at being adventurous. Taking risks doesn’t come naturally to everyone. And it takes a certain degree of comfort with risk to engage in a lot of kinky activities because the objects although often common, are portrayed and applied in ways that are uncommon, ie perverted. If you want to try a little kink, pick a risk you are comfortable with and dive right in. The pleasure will out weigh the pain, I promise.    


Spend the Night in the Stars #NYE #WashgintonDC #LivingSexyDC #LiveSexy #Dungeon #Mistress

Early Bird ticket sales ends Dec 14 at midnight – Save $125+ per couple

This NYE Sinn-ergy is hosting their 5th annual event. This year’s theme is “MidWinter Dream.” The dress code is formal. The theme is black, white and silver.

This year’s venue is stunning. The after party space has a nearly panoramic view of the Potomac, up above it all. It offers total privacy and the opportunity to play among the stars. The guest list is curated by the host who was has attended similar events all around the world. He uses is global understanding of the lifestyle and naturally sensual esthetic to create one of a kind events from beginning to end.

NYE with Sinner-ergy is an event within an event. The first party is a sexy extravaganza. One of my favorite elements of the event is how much thought the guests always put into their fashion choices. The first time I heard about rent the runway was at one of these events. The woman was wearing a $5000 Bradley Misckah gown and it showed. If you can manage to pull your eyes off the twinkling crowd you’ll be treated to feast on live entertainment by a variety of professional performers.

The after party happens as soon as the ball drops. Each room has a different theme and the event is BYOB. Thoughtful supplies are always available including lots of water because it is always a long, hot night. This year’s dungeon is going to be a femme fatal free for all. I’m bringing all my best girls. I cannot wait to party with my fellow Femdoms and put some moves on the crowd. If you ever wanted to try something different, we’ll be waiting for you.